Going through a breakup with someone that you have been with for so long can be a living hell. If you are reading this blog and haven’t had your heart broken consider yourself blessed. Feeling that type of pain is worse than anything you could ever imagine because there is no hospital to go to for the treatment of a broken heart nor is there any pill that can ease the immense pain that accompanies the living loss of a loved one.
In many cases that I’ve observed personally including my own, I have theorized that one can accept a death more than a breakup because the death is final and absolute. With a breakup, the other party is still alive and well and left so many unanswered questions at your doorstep that only you have to sift through.
These questions for “what really happened”,”where did I go wrong” and “is there someone else” can literally push a typically sane person to the brink of madness, irrational behavior and beyond. I find it so amazing that most of those who are incarcerated are in that predicament directly or indirectly because of some matter of the heart or relationship pressures of a financial nature.
While the window of time for total and complete recuperation is different for each and every one of us, we must all be careful to not
make any foolish decisions or do anything that one would regret while having to face the daunting task of feeling all of the swirling raw emotions that will surely be a constant companion to you in your life as you nurse yourself emotionally to full restoration.
The dilemma of a major breakup is compounded even more when you factor in the financial aspect as far as who paid what bill and how will you survive after losing an income. This is not a bother if your mate contributed absolutely nothing and actually is a good thing because now you do not have the dead weight laying on you and dreams anymore and should be a cause to celebrate even if you were attached dearly to them.
Another major issue the multiplies the pain and frustration a hundred fold is if there are young children involved, the situation can be quite painful and confusing to them also so do execute your best judgment in how things are handled. In this particular article I have steered clear of the two previous scenarios not because I don’t have suggestions but because I feel a dedicated blog would be needed to cover the unique issues that those two scenarios can bring. If I included those answers in this blog you would be reading for days. But do look for those to be covered in a blog by me soon.
That being said let us agree what we are speaking of in this blog as far as a breakup is concerned, let me set the scene of what I speak of here because we have many different types of relationships, agreements, arrangements and a few types of pairings that I just
wouldn’t even no HOW to explain! Lol! Yes, there are some jacked up unions that I don’t even think the parties involved understand! We will leave those alone too because they don’t even warrant a response here.
The type of relationship that we are touching on today is a general cross section of the most accepted kind of pairing where two people live together sharing their dwelling expenses and are in an agreed upon monogamous committed relationship that may or may not involve being married. While many of you will raise your eyebrows and ask why am I including those who are “shacking up” as opposed to those individuals who took the step to prove their commitment to one another through the highest union between two people? The intent here is healing in a non judgmental way because whether one is married or not, feelings are hurt just the same way and the dangerous mentalities that are spawned from the pain and delusion caused can be a breaking point for anyone. Sure, I feel that marriage is the ultimate, but maybe a little guidance and nurturing extended to someone in pain can show them through love that in the future marriage really is the way to go when done the right way, because most marriages out here are built on a weak superficial foundation and are doomed from the start.
That being said, here are a few remedial tips that I feel could help a person traveling down that seemingly never ending lonely road of post breakup trauma.
Read on and hopefully these suggestions can ease your pain.
Maintain Your Same Identical Rhythm:
Change nothing about your daily routine as long as it doesn’t involve crossing paths with your ex. To change your routine now while going through the uncertainties of the heart of a breakup , is just too much new information to process. The familiarity of you day should bring a sense of comfort to you. It is also brings another empowering aspect to your life because it shows the world that nothing is going to break you as you are still the same old you. While you should never concern yourself with what anyone says about you, it is a nice thought to know that as the rumors travel about not being in that relationship anymore, it will also travel like wildfire when someone says: “I saw (Your name) yesterday leaving Walmart when I was going there to shop for some groceries and I couldn’t believe it, she was looking damn good!”
Well why couldn’t he believe it? What did he expect? Someone who let themselves go? Someone who was going to climb under a rock and hide? Well this is what most people do and this is why it’s important to maintain your normal schedule and do not shy away from contact with people. It’s better to have some “good publicity” in the air traveling around about you than the bad variety that can travel like an epidemic! I have found it so interesting that both good and bad publicity only gets more intense as time goes by.
If someone spots you taking out the garbage with your hair not done wearing some around the house work clothes that you don’t mind getting dirty that might have a few holes in it, the gossip mongers will say that they saw you digging out of the garbage can looking like a dirty crackhead wearing old clothes! See how it works?
But on the other hand if those same loose mouth entities saw you go into your local Mercedes-Benz dealership because your old girlfriend now works there and you wanted to pass through to say hello, the loose mouth haters will swear that you went there to purchase a brand new luxury vehicle! If this is how they want to earn their dark circles under their eyes then so be it! Let them! Because of they were diligently working toward their own goals and made sure to join on to only the positive energies of this world then maybe they would see how sweet life can really be!
Fortunately for you, gossip, being that powerful omnipotent creature that it is, can be utilized to work in your behalf when you realize how it works. But always, that will be another blog that will have some very interesting revelations within.
Take Inventory Of Your Strong & Weak Points To Begin Rebuilding A
Understand that you are not to look at a transpired relationship as a loss, but an opportunity to step to a new level and gain from the
experiences enjoyed and even suffered within that former union. As painful as it may be at the time of the breakup, look at the memory of it square in the eye and access the good from the bad and what it really meant to you.
You may find that the very items that attracted us greatly to this person whether good or bad in hindsight has morphed into somewhat of a different expectation right under your nose without you being consciously aware of it. What you were aware though was the pain of growing out of that union while being constricted to its old set of norms.
Understand that every time you get involved with someone in a committed relationship, you must know your own personal trajectory and compensate and prepare your mutual psyches for the eventual growing room that you both will need. This helps you to avoid the discomfort of growth where it was not anticipate. Almost comparable to wearing the same size clothes from the age of eight and never allowing the tailor to alter the outfit creating an eventual discomfort from the clothes being too small and cutting your circulation. Not a good thing at all.
I have found that over the years that too many potentially great relationships came to a premature end because either one or both
parties involved never took the time to understand their strong points and weak areas. Taking the time to do this as you go through a breakup is paramount to your total healing as well as proactively preparing yourself for bigger and better things to come your way romantically in the future.
Take it from the worker ants on one of those Sunday afternoon nature programs, when the anthills has been knocked down by the wind they automatically access the damage and begin to build without hesitation. The lesson here is to do something before the crippling ailment of depression sets in. Depression can only find you when you sit still, by keeping yourself moving in a positive mental direction by working on those troubled areas, you will never succumb to the negative mindset that depression delivers right to your front door!
Filter Through All Of The Bad Advice By Aligning Yourself The Divine
Word Of God:
Trust me on this this one, you are going to have everyone come at you hard with their “sincere” advice and they will not even consider that you may want to spend a quiet and recuperative moment alone to get your head straight. Many will call you acting out of concern but only secretly desire to use the painful situation that you are in to watch you get pushed over the edge to do something foolish. Be leery of everyone around you and if they come to you with “their sincere advice” the only way to see if it is sincere or not is if it lines up with what God says in His Holy Word. If it doesn’t then discard of their advice discreetly and minimize their time around you to short circuit their secret agenda.
Spend More Quality Time With You:
I don’t know about anyone else, but I LOVE spending time with myself! One of the worse things that can happen to an individual during a relationship is to lose touch with themselves and who you actually are. This is a set up to truly feeling lost when your significant other leaves you significantly single. You do not know who you are and you are now stuck to spending lots of time with this strange person who you now realize is you! Well, what better time than now to get back acquainted with yourself? And for all of you who are currently involved in a relationship, do yourself a big favor and introduce yourself too yourself and never stop knowing who YOU are! God forbid you find yourself in the throes of loneliness without a sense of who you are! It’s the ultimate insurance against ever being alone in this life.
Show Restraint, Control & The Better Judgment By Not Seeking Ugly Confrontations:
We all think of doing things sometime when we are hurting that may be out of our general character and personal principles. But that is a very normal reaction and thank God most of the time only stays as a fantasy that was never manifested. If half of the things that I ever thought about doing were made into reality, the death penalty might be considered a mere “slap on the wrist” when compared to my mental crimes.
The key word here is DIGNITY.
Always maintain your composure and dignified carriage. In hindsight, the best the no matter what you have had to endure is to have always walked with your head held high. Never be lured to step down to another person low level where they can smear your pristine reputation by saying that you acted in a way that was just low down and dirty.
Write A Dignified Letter To Him If You Truly Need A Sense Of Closure:
When emotions are flaring and raw we can sometimes allow ourselves to lose our good judgment and get pulled into expressing ourselves in the most undignified of ways. In doing so, we will most likely say things to each other without any restraint and often times in the company of others who should not hear those nasty things as we air out our dirty laundry in the worst way.
Have you forgotten why “The Jerry Springer Show” has been a smashing success? It’s because here in the United States Of America and abroad (As we are the undisputed leaders in the lowest decadent transgressions of divine law and dictate the popularity of the quick- fix ready to eat filthy entertainment cuisine worldwide unfortunately)
What makes it worse to express oneself publicly and without control is that the world can be very unforgiving with everyone now being a part of the amateur paparazzi armed with cellphone cameras at every turn.
Some of us seem not to concern ourselves with this fact but it almost always comes back to bite us on the backside down the road as those unguarded moments can be covertly preserved and resurface JUST when you hope to settle down as a mature individual to enjoy a quiet “under the radar” kind of life. Nobody needs that type of surprise in their life so the absolute best means of sharing your thoughts and feelings no matter how mild or extreme, would be to put it down on paper.
When you express yourself through a letter, you have the time to think about what you truly wish to say. Letters also don’t provoke, inflame or tempt as they do not argue back. Writing a letter allows you to always be in charge of your expressions because you can think clearly and proactively without being in the defensive mindset of the verbal battle.
The majority of the time you will find that when you go through the process of putting your feelings down on paper you will often calm down and refrain from sharing your most spirited and repulsive thoughts.
Which is a good thing.
And last but not least when you send a letter directly to a former mate to bring that elusive sense of closer, no one, and I mean NO ONE, can ever quote you out of context so it is really the only viable option to truly allow your thoughts to be known.
Realize That Some Days Will Feel A Little Strange As You Adjust To Life Without Him:
There is just no way around this, I mean, even if one is not going through a breakup the tremendous amount of factors pulling at our
lives beyond our control would leave us drained, frustrated, cranky and disillusioned regardless! So what makes anyone feel as though they are going to have those wonderful pristine days where it appears as though the Heavens have opened up and every event in your midst was perfectly synchronized to accommodate your every whim, desire and request? It doesn’t work that way.
While you are not going to revel in your discomfort that day, it is okay just to fly below the radar not in a defeated sense, but in the
mindset of focusing on the long haul. It’s almost like a professional prizefighter who has decided to coast for one round to get a rest so that he can be empowered more so for the rest of the fight. While he generally knows that he will lose that round, he also understands that in the whole scheme of things that the rest for that one round almost ensures a recharged and victorious effort ultimately.
The catch with this mental tactic when executed on a day when you are feeling down is that it can backfire and become an everyday happening. This is not good as we should always have the mindset to want to fight within balance and do not want to incur a depression on ourselves by keeping our life moving along in a mindset of healthy circulation. Just never lose track of where your “blip” is on the emotional/mental/physical/spiritual radar screen.
Do Avoid The Temptation To Get Involved With Someone:
This is one of the biggest mistakes most people make when going through a very painful breakup. They seek the comfort of an emotional “safe haven” that they would not otherwise have probably not even noticed of they weren’t going through such a traumatic time and were at full strength with their feelings. This only compounds the problem and brings another energy into a whirlpool of possible confusion and unhealed wounds. While the new individual may feel that they can sooth you through your healing while at the same time establishing a wonderful new relationship with you they are dead wrong no matter how you slice it. One must end before another can begin.
This is a divine law.
Two entities cannot occupy the same space in your heart at the same time. To attempt to do so is only making matters worse because once you are back to your full senses one hundred per cent you will “see” this new situation much differently than you did when the veil of pain was pulled down over your eyes. It doesn’t have to be were the new interest was bad for you or that they might be a bad person per se’, but you don’t want to wake up one day and realize that you really used this person to get over your own pain and that you now wish that you were alone now to live life to the fullest and have to tell them that you now want to move on.
That is a very selfish thing to do so deal with your withdrawal yearnings and symptoms first before being ready to invite someone else on in to your life.
It’s the right thing to do and it will truly be a clean break that the both of you will appreciate down the line in time. Afraid that this new person may not be there when you are ready to advance to pursuing a courtship? Well, if they are what you want and the feeling is mutual, they will not vaporize into thin air if they are the real thing for you. If they are gone in the twinkling of an eye then they weren’t sincere after and you have saved yourself another huge headache and lots of precious time. Think of your downtime out of any relationship or sexual liaison as a much needed time of self acquaintance and preparation for the time when you will be ready for a committed union as a new and improved version of the old you! Just the the of that should make the sacrifice to get to that point all the more worth it!