Maybe something is wrong with me or maybe I am a little weird but tell me if have ever don’t this too. Have you ever observed a couple who for some reason didn’t seem to match each other or gave you the subtle hint that they weren’t really into each other in any manner at all?
I mean, I don’t know about you and how your thought processes go but I find myself thinking about how sometimes two people have met each other and what in the heck were they thinking to hook up with each other.
And yes, I know it’s none of my business and I really don’t get bent out of shape trying to figure it out, but you know as well as I do that you think things in passing that quickly get discarded from the cache of your mind as you go about your day and into the tasks that pull a lot more weight and meaning than worrying about the origins of an apparent mismatch.
That’s not a put down, that’s an assessment.
While I do not know the actual numbers and would be telling you an untruth if I claimed to have this knowledge, as far as I am concerned even though I see many polls and interviews conducted that state that the institution of marriage is on a sharp decline, if divorce is therefore on the rise then that means that there are a whole heck of a lot of people still getting married.
To break it down even further, it makes me wonder even more so what are the reasons that people even get married in the first place. But should I even really be asking that question when the reason that people are supposed to get married is because of love?
But “supposed to” and reality are two different scenarios now aren’t they? And many of us in an attempt to gloss over the reality of what really is will overlay a doomed situation with our own rosy template of a delusional illusion and try to pass it off as real like a fast talking huckster in a gritty alleyway in the downtown tourist area of a big city trying to sell a cheap tin chain that was sprayed up with a gold veneer and pass it off as the sale of the century!
If you were hoodwinked to thinking it was real then let a little time go by and allow the friction that comes from having it on your person wear away at the faux finish to reveal what that chain is really made of!
Just the same way that many of us were hoodwinked at the sincere words of commitment and the projections of a “forever love” until a little time went by that allowed the friction between the two of you that will happen as the trials and tribulations, challenges and stresses of this world wear away at the Colgate smiles and Kodak moments of the marriage ceremony to reveal what that union was really all about and what foundation it was initially built on.
And what might that be?
It’s the fact that too many of us are into the outside show as though standing up next to any old cardboard cutout of a person means anything in the long run after the “production” of a marriage is long finished and the last wedding gifts have come through…….
For others, some are merely “crackheads” or addicts for that “pseudo euphoria” when it comes to going through that process of the matrimonial mating ritual (’cause in those cases, that’s all it is anyway!), and almost always get severely disappointed after the “production” is over and then find ways to end the union so that they can look to “fall in love” (So easily) with another unsuspecting victim so that the drug like sensations can begin all over again to repeat this pathetic cycle!
I’m going to really put it out there with what I think it is, I am not a doctor or a professional so I really might not have any credibility in what I am about to say in the scientific community but oh what the heck I am going to say it anyway but as far as I’m concerned to me this is what it is…….
I truly believe that the experience of falling in love is such an overwhelmingly pleasurable sensation not only on the spiritual plane, but on the mental and physical level also. I believe that with the individual described in the paragraphs above that it may be an even more extreme sensation than what others feel and they might have the propensity in the inner makeup to display the traits and weaknesses of an addict. Except that in this case their addiction is not a drug or alcohol, but that initial blast to the brain that happens when we fall in love.
It’s almost comparable to the abstract scenarios that play out in our mind when we masturbate (Would you STOP lying to yourself because you know that you do it just like I do!), we go right to what turns us on even if it doesn’t make sense in the real world, it damn sure makes sense as our brain is flooded with the intense combination of the manual stimulation coupled with the total focus of what we secretly crave sexually and sensually in abundant portions.
Haven’t you ever noticed that after a really good “session” that you will feel a pleasant yet very intense throbbing in the back of your head immediately afterward as your feel yourself drifting off into nirvana and maybe even a deep slumber? All is well at that moment because you have just given yourself a “hit” of euphoria in the same manner that our friend does when they go through the motions of getting married.
The crucial difference is that while we use our hands (And maybe that “battery operated boyfriend” for many of you ladies here reading this!) masturbate to get that simple “blast” of bliss and release, our “addicted to marriage” friend uses people to get her grand release of pleasure and selfishly wrecks lives to do so in the process!
Maybe I am wrong but this is my honest take on this phenomenon.
So while you “get yours” and fall of to sleep without a care in the world, our friend “gets hers” and then proceeds to leave a trail of a broken heart, angry in-laws, disoriented people and a general trail of confusion all because it was the process of getting married that she was in love with and not the man that she took through that same process of marriage!
Now I am not advocating that we should get married and absolutely hate the process! Lol! That would be insane! That would be like going to your favorite restaurant and complaining to the manager that the food tastes so nasty and then turning around and ordering another plate of the same exact thing! So I wouldn’t suggest that at all and I am not saying that you are an addict for reveling in the thought of that grand wedding day in your life whether it is something coming soon over the horizon or something that you hope to have in your life one day when the designated divine mate comes along into your life when YOU ARE READY and righteously PREPARED for it!
Maybe for those types it’s a low self esteem thing. I think that it could be an attempt to fill a void that was there from childhood or maybe an attempt to combat the empty feeling that came from a bad case of “daddy hunger.” Maybe it has nothing to do with those examples and maybe it could be a sprinkling of it in there in different amounts. We can never really know, but one thing is for sure is that people are different and there motivations for marriage can be just as vast as the many different types of snowflakes that there are. And we all know that no two snowflakes are ever alike.
Some marry for convenience.
Some will marry not necessarily because they want that person who happens to be the closest thing to a real relationship that they ever had but because they have the mindset that “I just might as well go on and do it now, I might never meet another man as good as he” even if there are no sparks or any desire, just a cold “incidental” decision that has no more weight to it than making your order with the waitress to let her know that you prefer the mash potatoes over the French fries when dining at the neighborhood restaurant to get that deluxe platter.
For others, to get married is a practical business merger that guarantees a financial peace of mind that comes from the joining of mutual assets to form an even greater portfolio between the two matrimonial “participants”, a cold-hearted union indeed. You’ve really got to wonder what foreplay is like for those types, maybe it’s sitting around naked with all of their financial statements and assets sprawled out on the living room floor while they feel the rush of excitement that comes from discovering that their stock has grown:
“Oh darling you are going to get it so good tonight! I am so turned on after finding out that you foreign industrial shares have skyrocketed over 60 percent within the last month, let’s hit the bed NOW! I am feeling so freaky!”
Then you will have some people (This category in my opinion would usually be a man) who will only marry because they are now seeing their own mortality and in an “attempt to get right with God” and find someone to take care of their old broken down ass and will seek out that one woman who was their “old reliable” and always there for them back in his younger years when he was raising hell, doing dirt and making babies all over the place spraying the world (Like an angry gangster with a machine gun in enemy territory! Lol!) with his seed in reckless abandon!
Many of us cannot stand the thought of coming home to an empty bed and being single as we get older, and will go about our day frantically searching for a mate to marry as quick as possible to be home and keep like some emotional pet that will give us the facade of years of love while we play house and play pretend. Deep stuff huh?
Those of us who have close knit (And many times TOO damn nosy!) families will feel a pressure to “take the next logical step” to continue the family tradition of having a bunch of kids and a wife to bring to the next big family function along with all of your other very miserable and very much married brothers and sisters to satisfy the dictates of your parents or grandparents in what a good family life should consist of.
Lots of us get caught up in the looks of our potential mate or even feel as though we “owe” it to our mate to marry them after they have stuck with us through a tragic time or immense loss (Death/financial ruin etc.) in our lives and have given freely of their support. Sometimes we simply “feel sorry” for this person and want to be the “Savior” (Now that’s an entirely different subject in an entirely separate blog! See how the ideas just keep coming?) in their lives because the need for the “rush” that comes from the fulfillment of what I will call Superman complex…….
As you can see, there are a myriad of reasons why people get married that have absolutely nothing to do with the fact that one should marry for love first and then go down the list of mandatory requirements to ascertain if that particular couple doesn’t have any “undealt with issues” that would potentially sabotage a wonderful thing down the road because of a negative quality possessed that was overlooked in the euphoria of the infatuation period.
But for that particular situation where we are addicted to marriage it seems sometimes as though it doesn’t even matter WHO it is we grab onto for our next fix…….
Could you imagine listening in on TWO people who have the same ailment?
Imagine sitting in a somewhat quiet Barnes & Noble bookstore in a comfortable chair and reading a book that you are considering purchasing and you just happen to overhear two people who are just meeting for the first time and the first words that they are saying to each other while you hold your same position as though you are so into your book but are really all up in their conversation that might go something like this:
The Addicted To Woman: Excuse me for interrupting you, but is that The Prophet that you are reading by Kahlil Gibran? Oh my God! That has got to be my all time most favorite book!
The Addicted To Marriage Man: You are not interrupting me sweetheart, quite the opposite, I noticed you when you first walked through that door and couldn’t tear my eyes off of you buried my face in this book when you sat closer to me. secretly I was hoping that you would…….
Addicted Woman: …….OH REALLY? How sweet of you! You really felt that way? Well let me make a confession to you right now, my best girlfriend called me this morning in the wee hours to tell me that she JUST had a dream that I met my future husband in a place that had a lot of books in it. She couldn’t tell if it was a library, a bookstore or someone’s private den, but I would meet him TODAY and lots of books would be involved!
Addicted Man: Are you serious? Well this is where I’ve met my last three wives…….
Addicted Woman: How may times have you been married?
Addicted Man: Only seven times.
Addicted Woman: Well I don’t know about you but I think that the eighth time will be the charm!
Addicted Man: So what are you trying to say?
Addicted Woman: (Now giggling uncontrollably and grinning ear to ear while trying to speak.) I’m trying to tell you sir that City Hall is opened for another hour and a half and we need to get down there after I contact my doctor friend who has a practice around the corner from here who can get our blood tests done on the spot!
Addicted Man: Now that surely sounds like fate to me! I actually have all of my important forms of identification on me right now! What are we waiting for?
Addicted Woman: Let’s get to stepping baby! But while we get out of here and make it to the doctor I have to tell my girlfriend that her dream was the TRUTH!
Addicted Man: You do that darling! But call the doctor first so this can run smoothly…….OH! And by the way, my name is Hugo!
Addicted Woman: The honor is mine Hugo, I’m Katrina, and I am so blessed to have met the man of my dreams and my future husband today!
Addicted Man: I feel the same way too, NOW LET’S GO GET MARRIED!
Addicted Woman: I agree wholeheartedly! Now let’s go take care of business and go downtown to City Hall to make this happen or we might be guilty of having sex before marriage because I HAVE to have you tonight as my husband! You know we can’t go against God’s commandments and do the nasty without a ring on my finger…….
Addicted Man: OMG! A ring! We have to…….never mind, I have two rings in my glove compartment from my last two marriages…….
Addicted Woman: That will do for me just fine! Now let’s get OUT OF HERE!!!!!!!
As these two love addicts head over to the doctor’s office for their makeshift “bootleg” blood test, they don’t even notice that an ambulance passes them by to go into the Barne’s & Noble bookstore to attend to the person who was pretending to read their book while eavesdropping in on their conversation. The ambulance was called because that person had some type of massive seizure due to what they heard in the verbal exchange of the conversation and the matrimonial plans that were made on the go! LOL!
I am quite sure that while the prior dialogue was the creation of my imagination that somehow somewhere out in this vast world that there are two people having a very similar conversation just like that. I really believe that and it goes back to how I started this blog article in the first place; it really makes you wonder how two seemingly opposite types of people who are diametrically opposed to each other in every category imaginable can get together and even call themselves getting married. We just don’t know! But for some I would LOVE to be a fly on the wall! LOL!
I mean, using my skit as an example, notice how they didn’t even exchange names until AFTER agreeing on getting married with each other! A definite sign of being crazed about the institution of marriage without even concerning yourself with WHO you are marrying as though the man was some cheap prop that was necessary for the process to go through and nothing more.
The addicted woman was probably hitting every bookstore and library looking for a man to marry after hearing the dream of her best friend. But I have encountered women who ask me outright if I am married after being introduced to them in various settings. They were not showing any interest in me other than hoping that I was single so that I could potentially be joined to them like a missing part needed to complete a puzzle or to replace a lost piece of a LEGO set in order to finish building a kid’s toy-like structure in a school project.
She didn’t even take the time to question WHY he was married so many times before, she was just so glad that he was technically single so that she could snatch up the physical body of this man to fill in the empty spot of her life. Now don’t get me wrong, there are many men out here like this but I am only speaking as though it is the woman most of the time for the sake of brevity in this article.
Another point that you as the reader of this article must understand if you don’t already know it already, that when individuals that have any particular type of addiction get together and share the same space, it’s very much a non verbal communication going on over and above anyone who does not share that same intense addiction. It just so happens where we are speaking of people who are more addicted to the thought of marriage than the actual person that they are married to here but it could be a crack addiction, a porn addiction, an alcohol addiction or an addiction to abusive relationships…….ANYTHING that one can indulge in and take to an extreme over and above what is the accepted norm.
These people have a way of “knowing” that this next person is a kindred spirit and after a few non verbal gestures will know first hand that they are pretty much into the same thing. It’s the very language of addiction itself and whichever your vice may be there is a special way of covertly communicating it to the world where ONLY those who are “tuned in” to your special frequency can decipher the signal where no one else can figure it out.
How else could two secretly “down-low” brothers (Men who live their lives as straight men but secretly have mostly unprotected random sex with strange men at the drop of the dime “anytime/anywhere” like it’s going out of style, that’s another blog article too!) who are simultaneously happily enjoying their family time at the local shopping mall at the food court enjoying a meal until one family man gazes briefly and very intensely at the other family man under the radar of their respective wives signaling to him that he is interested and available RIGHT THEN at that very moment for an episode of man on man sexual contact. How do they accomplish this seemingly impossible task while in the midst of thousands of people at the busy shopping mall?
Well, while maintaining constant eye contact without his wife picking up on it “man number one” tells his wife that his stomach is not reacting good to the food and tells her that he has to use the restroom immediately and will probably be in there for a good long while. His decision to go to the restroom is not an unusual one but he makes a point to walk near the table of “man number two” to execute a confirmation glance that let’s man number two know that needs to get up and follow him to the restroom where he will be awaiting in a toilet stall down near the end with an unlocked door that is his invitation to come on in and receive whatever homosexual contact that they are in the mood for while the happy unsuspecting wife thanks God for her wonderful life, her wonderful husband and all of the blessings that she “perceives” to have in her life through that man who she is married to who is now on his knees sucking off a stranger and swallowing this strange man’s seed. When the act is all done they both go off to their facade of a life which is really a lie to their unsuspecting spouses whose kids have now begun to play together in the absence of their father’s presence as they “went to the restroom.”
I wrote it just like that to be graphic because that’s the way it is in this world with the language of addiction.
How do winos know each other to end up on the corner all hanging out by the liquor joint sitting on that abandoned couch in the empty lot all day drinking like it’s their damn religion?
How does an abusive man always find that painfully dedicated woman who will pay his child support, wash his dirty shit-streaked drawers, take his regular physical beatings and verbal put downs to only profess in the end that he is truly a good man who will “come around” one day an show her the love that she knows that is in his heart?
How does a person who is addicted to crack cocaine go to a completely different city where he has never been before (Maybe because of a family trip out of town to a funeral or wedding etc.) and take “that walk” at night and find the crack dealers in record time in order to get his hits of crack while he is there out of town? I swear, the language of addiction is so strong in some cases that the same crackhead could find himself out in a rural area surrounded by hundreds of miles of farmland and he will find a damn cow who is hustling crack in a barn to get hit fix of drugs! I’ve seen worse!
While it may appear that I have gone into too many different subjects in this article, in actuality I haven’t and I am going to tell you why…….the language of addiction is all the same in their respective genres but in the aforementioned examples must of us would classify those addictions as something very bad and downright destructive. This sets us up to never question an individual who is addicted to the whole process of getting married yet doesn’t seem to care who and what they are married to!
While it may appear to be a good thing, the motivations behind it will rip many lives apart because how frivolous we have become and how quick it is to get that “blast of pleasure” from an institution that is NOT to be taken lightly and SHOULD be pursued over a period of time to minimize the horror stories that are sure to continue to come in the future because of our refusal to get to know one another and ‘test the spirit” of the person to whom we are interested in instead of being in a rush to get hitch because we cannot control our sexual desires.
And as I bring this comical yet bold LanceScurv blog to an end, let me share one more phenomenon that I have repeatedly witnessed in the Black church (And I am quite sure other cultures have seen it too!) too many times to keep count. I call it the “Create-A-Husband Complex.”
The “Create-A-Husband Complex” (CAHC) is a complex that a woman has when she finds herself getting on up in years and she finds herself without a man in her life. This is no crime to many woman who live happy balanced lives and will not settle for less when it comes to a mate. They can never and will never fall victim to this mindset of desperation as does her sister who does have CAHC and doesn’t even know it.
Those who are most likely to be affected by CAHC are women who have achieved a great measure of success on many fronts by normal standards, the house, the cars, the secure career and stability but have not been successful in maintaining any reasonable level of comfort in the relationship department. She has mastered all of the other major areas in her life and appears to be by most accounts a great catch. So why is she single? I won’t get into those potentially vast reasons why she might repel any male attention because the focus on CAHC therapy zeroes in on why she is so desperate to catch a man by any costs and not her own idiosyncrasies possessed that may keep a man from her. Heck, she has to get a man first in order to turn him away so let’s not concern ourselves with something that just “ain’t happening!”
This woman was usually raised in the church and has what “she” considers a strong faith that her “Boaz” is coming into her life because she has remained faithful to her Lord and has paid her tithes over and above what her Preacher Pimp has required on top of what is truly Biblical. So year after year while rising up with her personal/professional victories there is a growing frustration that has come when she realizes that many of her friends are getting various sicknesses or just plain out passing away. She sees her mortality and begins to feel a tinge of desperation even after every guilt ridden session of stress releasing masturbation has ended.
“I’ve got to get a man in my life dear Lord” she proclaims, “I deserve it!” She begins to go down the list of why she is worthy of the attentions and love of a man and even double checks herself in the mirror to remove any self doubt from within while disrobed after the shower thinking all the while to herself that she still “has it” and that any man would be a fool to not want to be with her!
Yet another birthday is on the horizon…….
She now has secretly and very consciously decided to give the Lord a helping hand and “help” to make things happen a bit faster in order to get a man in her life. This is when it is so very easy to come down with a severe case of CAHC!
Her standards drop. She begins to be affected by the catcalling of the men in the street who she previously paid no mind and who have absolutely nothing to offer her or bring something to the pot of their own. These are men who have partied their lives away, made legions of babies that they have never taken care of, men who are not emotionally or mentally stable, who have terrible credit and work histories and maybe even a long prison rap sheet but with a bad case of CAHC, she begins to tell herself that the Lord will redeem one of these men to be her husband and “make” her happy and fulfilled for the rest of her life as a woman even though this brother is INFESTED with demons and issues of his own!
CAHC prevents her from seeing this because her carnal mind has blurred the vision of her third eye and ability to walk in the spirit! Her spiritual equilibrium is thrown off severely by this ailment a the manner that is comparable to a drunk who believes that he can drive himself home safely or an athlete who is living in the past who thinks he can rival his peak performance years even though he is riddled with physical ailments and hasn’t had a good year in a decade.
Delusional is what it is called…….
So this woman will go out and but this “man-bum” an entirely new wardrobe, fix his teeth immediately with cash because she can afford it, and just clean him up overall so that he can be seen with her attending the church services so that she can have the satisfaction over her other single church sisters who are also CAHC positive to say that she is now “engaged!”
She already has a date set and the entire extravagant wedding paid for and worked out to the most minute of details because she must show the world that someone wanted her after all while her “man-bum” didn’t have to fork over one penny for anything whatsoever! This man feels as though he has died and went to Heaven because he never in his wildest dreams thought he would live so good on a material level but never realized that the reason he is in such a good situation is because his “wife” has been suffering from the Create-A-Husband Complex” all the while…….and to be honest with you, maybe he doesn’t even care.
Aren’t relationships scary these days when you think of what is really out there? Is it a wonder why most people these days would rather “shack-up” than commit to a lifelong commitment than to deal with all of the legal fallout of a divorce? It doesn’t really have to be that way if we took our time and played this thing called love and marriage by the rules to get it right the first and ONLY time forever more. But we being the flawed human beings that we are, we feel as though we can alter God’s plan with absolutely no repercussions whatsoever. We feel that it is US that knows best and the divine laws that are set in stone are at best outdated for today’s society which allows every unclean spirit to feel as though it has the right to claim a holy positioning in the very acts that our God has deemed filthy.
Divine law will never change as we continue to sink down in the depths of a living hell because of our transgressions. So whether you are that person who is in love with the institution of marriage more than the mate that you claim to love, or that down-low brother who just HAD to give a stranger a blowjob while his loving wife unknowingly waited for her husbands return from the restroom and even that outwardly successful woman who fell victim to the relentless grip of loneliness to become infected with CAHC, we all need to take a step back from our various addictions seen and unseen to attempt with every fiber of our being to put God first and refuse to fall to these fleeting desires that won’t even matter in the glorious afterlife but can put us on an express ride straight to the lower bowels of hell.
Think about it.
Is it really worth it?