In every young man's life, it is very important that he bonds with his Mother in order to complete his development into manhood. The same is true about his connection to his Father, both parents are necessary and actually mandatory in order for that child to grow up to be the best that he can be and to manifest the full range of developmental potential that is encoded into his D.N.A.
This is not to say that the same child under the same exact conditions cannot become a success story in his life if he did not have both parents, it's just that the conditions would be more fruitful in guaranteeing success and offering a bit more protection against potential problems in the future.
But to be fair in my assessment it must be stated that I've personally witnessed countless sons grow up under a two parent upper middle class situation pretty much living the American dream yet gravitating toward a life of transgressions on a scholastic and criminal level oftentimes landing them in the state penitentiary with absolutely no reason to be there!
There will always be exceptions to the rule but for the most part many of you will agree that while a son (And daughter's too, but this
article is focused primarily on the males) can succeed under any arrangement if it is God's will for him to do so, but otherwise
conditions are still best in a two parent household.
But the point of this writing is to stress that there really isn't anything "cute" about raising what the world universally accepted as a
There really isn't. And whomever encourages such an imbalanced manner in raising a son is really doing them a disservice.
They are actually handicapping their child to say the least.
First of all, when you detect that your son is beginning to get a little bit too clingy you need to put him in the various activities to
eventually help him to revert back to a normal rate of social development.
There is a point in a young man's life when he should naturally be weened off of his mother's breast in order to pursue the world around him and explore things beyond the range of his mother's apron strings!
The prior point was not stated to imply that a son should not be close with his mother at all! I believe that there is something so noble about a man being close to his mother and keeping a strong bond with her throughout his entire life but there must be a period of time which will allow for the development for him to BECOME a man in the first place!
How can this young warrior ascend into true full and complete manhood when he is up under his "Mama" 24/7?
His Mama can't tell him or show him by example how to be a man! She can tell him but she cannot show him as in nature a squirrel learns how to be a squirrel by playing and spending time with the other squirrels that are a little older than him. By spending this time that squirrel is picking up all types of various traits subconsciously that develops him into the full grown creature that he was made to be.
He learns how to gather his food, he learns how to avoid danger as well as learning how to use his body in any upcoming emergency
situations because of the intense play that showed him what his body can do. It is all beneficial activity as he wouldn't be able to
survive without these crucial life skills.
So this brings me to my point - How in the heck can a boy develop into a fully developed man when his "Mama" still cooks for him when he should be learning to tend to his own appetite?
How can a boy learn how to run a household when he is not made to undertake his fair share of house chores because his "Mama" is doing every damn thing around the house while he fingers the remote control to the television all day watching sports channels or even worse playing a video game?
No wonder he will profess an undying forever endless love for his "Mama".......who else is going to put up with taking care of a budding grown socially "handicapped" man who suffers from a dysfunctionally executed engineered form of retardation?
Hopefully not you!
Because you will live to regret it for sure!
I believe that there are certain mechanisms that must be allowed to "kick in" in order for that young man to prepared for the next level of development to be ready to take on a relationship with his future mate an eventual wife.
What might those mechanisms be you ask?
Well number one, I don't believe a young man who is considered a Mama's boy can cultivate that natural yearning for the company of a woman of his own when he is having all of his female needs attended to by his Mother. I believe a man has to be on his own completely and totally to truly bond with that woman who he eventually connects with and it just cannot happen if he can't release his twisted clutches on his Mama's apron strings.
If you as a woman choose to get involved (Or God forbid MARRY into this warped arrangement!) with one of these partially developed facsimile's of a man, understand that you will never ever have his full attentions if he is truly a Mama's boy because if he is truly that his Mother has a lot to do with things remaining as they are!
.......and OH what a subliminal battle that will be!
You will find yourself embroiled in a sick twisted competition for his attention and affection. He will often manipulate a situation to put you at odds with his Mother with you not grasping the fact that he is hustling your heart and that in the end he is the winner either way!
No matter how good you perform in the many different facets of your relationship at every turn you will be reminded that it isn't done as good as his Mama! While he may not say it in this fashion he will find a way to express this either by a slight facial expression or by thanking his Mama in person for her taking the time to make a plate of food for him that he can "finally" enjoy.......indirectly implying that your cooking is second rate!
Her unexpected visits that always seem to come a few minutes before you have to go to work is her way of letting you know that she really does not want to be in your presence and that she is only there to see her son AWAY from your meddling nose!
Although she might not ever say that, those impeccably timed visits let you know otherwise, especially when any communications with him and his Mama are made to seem like they are some top secret covert government classified transmission. In other words, although you are giving up the sex to him, cooking his food, washing his shit streaked underwear and doing all that you can to be seen as a worthy and good wife/mate (Or whatever status of relationship that you are in, it doesn't matter to me because feelings are feelings!) you are still not on the level of his Mama and not good enough to be included in that part of his life! Hell, it makes you wonder if he and his damn Mama might have a "little thing" going on! Hey, sicker things have happened, haven't you ever watched the Jerry Springer Show?
But while nine times out of ten it may not be something as sick as what I just inferred in the physical sense, there still may be remnants OF that type of unGodly bonding between them that may not be manifested in the physical realm! I mean, a true Mama's boy has a higher propensity to being a Man-Bum (Please read my blog on "Man-Bum's" to truly understand this phenomenon!) because he may be the male replacement in HER life and by you coming along only angers her because in a sick sense many of the time she will view your presence in his life as you having taken HER man!
So when she directly disrespects your positioning as the woman of YOUR household and you choose to consult with you weak Mama's boy of a man BEFORE dealing with it directly with her out of trying to be kind, he will often choose to minimize the incident as a figment of your imagination usually saying that his Mama wouldn't have ever meant it that way in a coy attempt to make it seem as though you are delusional!
But she while his Mama knows that she has no choice but to allow him to find a mate of his own but remember you will never be on her list of favorite people! Know that when you have opened up to allowing this type of energy into your life you will have to deal with the subsequent fallout that is sure to come YOUR way! You will be blamed for things in their life that you had nothing to do with and you weren't even around to witness! You will become the reason for all that has been wrong in their lives only because you felt as though you loved someone and wanted to do the right thing by them while they thought that they found a convenient scapegoat in you.
Love will get you in a whole lot of crap!
Haven't you found that out the hard way already?
So while your husband/boyfriend/common-law man may not have ever put his hands on you in the wrong way, the emotional roller coaster that you must endure because of his being brought up as a Mama's boy will undoubtedly add a few more gray hairs to your head faster than they were supposed to be there in the first place IF you stick around that long!
Yes, many of you who find themselves in this dreaded positioning will fantasize intensely of leaving as soon as possible but there were mandatory items on the checklist of life that you should have made sure to double check but once the daze of love overtakes and blurs your vision you forget all about clutching that clipboard of life the has that checklist on it in the first place!
But in your deepest meditations you realize that the signs were always there. You were the one who was guilty of looking over something so obvious that was passed on to you as a simple case of a son merely being close to his Mama. What a travesty!
Also this certified Mama's boy is not an idiot, he may see that his Mama is aging and sees that you possess some of the same qualities that his Mama has so guess who in his mind is being groomed to be the next Mama in his life?
Then test the spirit! Watch how he treats you as opposed to the displayed rhythms and interactions with his Mother. Are they similar? Does he drop any obvious verbal hints that tip you off to a deeper agenda? Does he treat you as though you are the number one woman in his life in front of his Mama? Or do you get the feeling that it would be a major violation to do so as he shy's away from displaying any open acts of affection to you in her presence?
These are the things that you must look for when those "red flags" goes up in your mind, body and soul! But if you feel that you love this man and the relationship is salvageable even though he may be a certified Mama's boy, there are things that MUST be done to break that unholy yolk and twisted bond that reeks of nothing less than raw incest!
First off, no matter how sick Mama might be, NEVER move into the same dwelling with your Mama's boy man and his controlling Mama! That would be a literal disaster! Why would you want to subject yourself to the 'round the clock mind games, put downs and power struggles by moving into this mess? If HE would even suggest this arrangement then I would think that it would be a good time to say good riddance!
One solution to minimizing the impact of the Mama on your relationship with the certified Mama's boy would be to move away far enough ( At least an hours drive away!) where it would be too difficult to just drop in on you everyday but close enough to get to during an emergency. Also, the added benefit of moving away to a safe distance would be that your Mama's boy of a man couldn't just up and leave you to go over to his Mother's for some of her "good" cooking that she is sure to tempt him with in order to get him away from you every chance that she gets! This is why you must put your foot down when he wants to rent that apartment next door to where his Mama lives. Trust me, if you agreed to that arrangement, YOU WOULD NEVER SEE HIM!
The bottom line is, when a grown man is this far gone in the very common condition of Mommy-ism, it is very hard to break the spell that it has on his mind. The subconscious conditioning and the availability of so many women who are readily equipped to harbor these potential (It's almost a guarantee!) Man-Bums makes it a daunting task to say the least. When it is that bad, you really have to ask yourself why does he even deal with me in the first place? I mean, since he may not be "hittin" his Mama like that then maybe the only reason that he IS with you is ONLY for the sex that you give him. Once he has that then his Mama takes care of the rest! LOL!
But seriously, you are up against a deeply embedded situation that has been going on for quite a while now and no matter how good you throw that loving on him it is going to take a long term commitment to some professional counseling to get him to a place where he has a shot to do better for himself and to you!
So in the meantime until he agrees to even go to counseling then it is time to put a lock on the booty until he sees the light. and maybe I shouldn't even say this but in that particular scenario you should be pulling a whole LOT of influence when he realizes there is a drought going on.
Sometimes you just have to play the hand that was dealt to you! Good luck! LOL!