Trauma’s Hidden Influence on Our Relationships
It’s often said that we attract what we are. But what if who we are is shaped by trauma? The nervous system—the body’s internal regulation system for safety and survival—plays a critical role in determining the people we connect with. When the nervous system is dysregulated due to trauma, our choices in friendships and romantic partners often reflect our wounds rather than our authentic selves.
In this presentation, we’ll explore how a traumatized nervous system drives our relationship choices, the role of dopamine in reinforcing these patterns, and how we can heal to form connections rooted in authenticity rather than survival.
The Traumatized Nervous System: A Survival Mechanism at Play
The nervous system is wired to keep us safe. When we experience trauma, our nervous system shifts into survival mode, often without our conscious awareness. This means that instead of seeking relationships that nurture and uplift us, we subconsciously gravitate toward people and dynamics that feel familiar—even if they’re harmful.
Example: Someone who grew up in a chaotic household might unconsciously choose partners who bring similar unpredictability into their lives. Though it causes stress, it also feels “normal” because their nervous system associates chaos with connection.
How Dopamine Reinforces Trauma-Driven Choices
Dopamine, the brain’s pleasure and reward chemical, plays a major role in cementing trauma-driven relationship patterns. When we engage with someone who mirrors our wounds, our brains release dopamine as a form of temporary relief. This reinforces the cycle, making us believe that these unhealthy attachments are “right” for us.
Example: A woman who felt unseen by her parents might become addicted to the intermittent attention of an emotionally unavailable partner. The brief moments of validation trigger a dopamine rush, convincing her to stay despite the relationship’s toxicity.
Friends or Trauma Mirrors? The Company We Keep
Trauma doesn’t just affect romantic relationships—it also influences the friendships we form. A dysregulated nervous system often seeks out people who validate our sense of unworthiness or reinforce patterns of codependency.
Example: If you grew up being the caretaker in your family, you might consistently attract friends who rely on you to fix their problems. These dynamics can feel rewarding in the short term but ultimately drain your energy and prevent authentic connection.
Breaking the Cycle: Healing the Nervous System
To choose relationships from a place of authenticity, we must first regulate our nervous system. This involves addressing the trauma that keeps us in survival mode and creating new patterns of connection.
Steps to Heal:
Practice Self-Awareness: Identify the patterns in your relationships. Are you drawn to people who remind you of past wounds?
Seek Professional Support: Trauma-informed therapy, like somatic experiencing or EMDR, can help regulate the nervous system.
Build Emotional Safety: Surround yourself with people who value healthy communication, mutual respect, and boundaries.
Learn to Sit with Discomfort: Healing often requires breaking away from what feels familiar, even if it means being temporarily uncomfortable.
From Trauma Bonds to Authentic Connections
Choosing friends and partners from a regulated, authentic self doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a process that requires patience, introspection, and a commitment to healing. But as you begin to align your nervous system with safety and authenticity, you’ll find that the people you attract into your life are not reflections of your wounds but partners in your growth.
Conclusion: Choosing Wholeness Over Wounds
When we allow a traumatized nervous system to dictate our relationships, we’re not truly choosing—we’re reacting. By healing our trauma and regulating our nervous system, we gain the clarity and stability needed to form connections that uplift rather than deplete us. Whether it’s friends, partners, or even ourselves, the journey to authentic connection begins with healing from within.