Many of us who have been hurt in past relationships understandably do not ever want to feel that terrible feeling of intense pain and emotional disorientation again. Who would unless you possess some type of masochistic personality and are an emotional pin cushion for those vicious repeated bouts of abuse. I think it’s safe to say that most of us are not wired in this fashion and would like to experience true unconditional love as it was meant to be.
But there are a great percentage of us who, because of the trauma of that breakup refuse to ever open up our hearts again because the benefits of love do not appear to outweigh the risks. This is a mindset that most can definitely identify with shortly after the life change that accompanies a split but when it goes on beyond that necessary “mourning period” then that is an indication that we have an even deeper compounded problem.
We have to understand that we live in a completely different world than we did not only just 20 years ago, but even in the last 5 years past.
The culture that we enjoyed many decades ago has been eroded terribly and this deterioration has affected the very underpinnings of how we react with each other, how we treat each other and what we expect from one another in this hands off high tech “we want everything right away without going through the process” instant culture!
The traditional male/female pairings have gone right out of the window these days to the point where it is not even about love anymore but convenience also plays a major role in many of our decisions. “Girl, I believe I really like this guy even though I don’t love him to marry him but he makes good money and wants me to move in with him, imagine how much I can save and how much easier for me financially if I do? I think I’m going to do it!” Now this example is not a representation of everyone’s situation but I am hearing this type of dialogue in my midst more and more and it’s NOT an uncommon dilemma.
The economy definitely has an effect on our personal decisions but what kind of success in a relationship can we have if we do not have that total commitment in the form of marriage?
Now don’t get me wrong, there is a major financial component to having a successful marriage and one should not even consider the ultimate matrimonial union unless ones finances are straight! But many of us are very stubborn as we still forge ahead with our MAJOR unpaid debts and jacked up credit scores in ignoring the statistics that tell us loud and clear that the main reason FOR divorce is because of the issue of finances!
Never ever consider ANYONE who weighs more than their credit score!
Do you think that these divorced couples got that way because there bank accounts and credit scores were sound and stable?
I’ve NEVER heard of a couple upset with each other because they both were successful at making a budget and disciplined enough to uphold the limitations of what that budget dictated to bring them the monetary security that they both needed.
Imagine hearing a dialogue like this?:
“Honey, I have to be honest and admit that your saving of money and superseding all expectations of our budget has been a major problem for me! How can we maintain a happy marriage when our bank accounts are growing and the principal on the house is being reduced so fast that if the mortgage amortization continues at this phenomenal rate from the extra principal payments, our home will be paid off in 3 years! Not only that, but the fact that your shrewd and wise real estate investment strategies that have yielded us one half of a million dollar clear profit in the last 2 years is really pushing my buttons! Enough is enough! You will be hearing from my lawyer this week about coming to some type of agreement in having an amicable divorce between the both of us! And don’t EVEN attempt to put ANY of that money that we’ve accrued over the years of our union into any one of MY accounts because if you do my disagreement with you just might get physical! So keep your distance!
Now those are not the type of money issues that throw a couple into the woes of divorce, quite the opposite, making good financial decisions as a couple is a strong “glue” that will always “help” to keep two people together. So find someone who is not only ambitious but also has the same attitudes toward money because two different approaches may not work very well together unless you both have a firm understand and total communication toward your individual unique “money movements.”
Yes, marriage ISN’T for everyone but you know what? If God didn’t give us the free will to do what we want to do even when it’s in transgression to what He desires for us and He made it where we COULDN’T have sex before marriage or even release our physical cravings through masturbation there would be a WHOLE LOT of marriage licenses being granted downtown at city hall in record numbers!
You see, we just CAN’T stand the pain of a breakup but we just COULDN’T resist from dipping our horny little anxious fingers in the cookie jar before the proper time to taste the sweetness!
Most of what we put ourselves through is OUR FAULT if you truly look within and are honest with yourself!
So in retrospect it’s NOT the institution of marriage that is flawed but YOUR interpretation of the entire divine system of courtship that is because you want to “see what the brother is working with before I make any long term commitments!” But when the “brother” IS working with “something that you can feel”, you freak out and commit based on that one hedonistic narrow category and forget to check and see if he has a gambling problem that might jeopardize the mortgage/rent or maybe not be the type of man who is responsible enough to even hold down a job much longer after that first check is cashed! Now you want to say that “marriage” isn’t for you! Wrong! You never entered into that union in the proper way for it to have a chance to work in the FIRST PLACE!
This works both ways for men as well as women even though I am writing this blog as though I am talking to a woman.
Let me ask you this, would you attempt to assemble a piece of furniture as it came out of the box without first looking at the instruction manual? That would be a disaster now wouldn’t it? Well what makes you think that you can “go about” joining on to someone else, living with them and their unique and sometimes strange idiosyncrasies not for a short date (When their hangups are conveniently swept under the rug! Don’t be fooled and stop doing it too!) but 24/7 for an entire lifetime?
We take marriage just too lightly as though we are making an haphazard and thoroughly undecided purchase in a department store that we can easily return! Once the systems start in joining two people divinely on an unseen level, there IS no turning back and there IS no returning from it! It’s a powerful thing that only God Himself can reverse and NOT some profit hungry lawyer. Sure, one can get a piece of paper to “state” that one is not married to someone anymore, but does that erase the memory or wipe the slate clean of the experiences endured in a union that wasn’t thought through all the way causing pain, confusion and a big mess that usually takes years to recover from?
Why go through this? Take your time! Learn to love yourself and enjoy being BY YOURSELF! Learn to cherish the time spent with yourself so much to the point that it would really have to be someone really special for you to share your SPECIAL time with! Hone and cultivate those obvious and hidden talents. Bring forth those abilities into the world to the point where other people will see the value in you reinforcing your self worth and esteem to the point where it is impenetrable to those hidden covert attacks on your psyche.
When we offer ourselves up to another to BE a lifelong marriage partner, we should already be independent, self generating, self sufficient and totally developed mentally, physically and spiritually. To mush to ask? Well, if you can’t work on yourself to arrive at that point in your lives where you are independent on all fronts then what you are saying is that you fully expect to enter into a marriage with major baggage in the anticipation of being a big BURDEN!
That’s a recipe for disaster!
Well many of us work feverishly on our personal “signature high points” thinking that it will make up for the lack in some other character flaw that we have. Sure, no one is perfect, but at the same time there is absolutely NO EXCUSE for not seeking to improve our own weaker points.
It’s like this, when people see a brand new luxury car, they subconsciously look for flaws first. Why would I say this? because it’s human nature…….you’ll hear a person standing nearby say: “Sure, that ride is tight but did you see those ugly scratch marks down near the rear left tire?” That person couldn’t say that it was a beautiful car and how they would love one day to own one. No! They HAD to find something WRONG with it in order to take away the issues that they have with not having one themselves. When if truth be told if that same very luxury car owner took a sledgehammer to the windshield and body, smashing it up badly, that SAME critical onlooker would GLADLY take that crippled vehicle if it were offered to them as a gift free and clear afterward and you would see that person proudly primping and posturing behind the wheel at the red light with pride even though the car was badly damaged! Bet he doesn’t care about those few scratches near the rear left tire now! LOL!
But back to the point, if we could only open our eyes to what truly lives internally in a potential mate in those earlier rendezvous’, then we really would have gotten a heads up on the drama that was yet to come!
I’m getting down to the nitty gritty now, so if you are under 18 go and find a Disney website to entertain yourself or go watch Nickelodeon or something. Just click the white “X” in the red box in the upper right hand corner please! And don’t you have homework? Go on…….
Ladies, as a woman when you hear a man speak of his sexual prowess constantly doesn’t it make you wonder if he has anything else going for himself? Just because you might be extremely horny at the moment or haven’t had a man eat your pussy real good the way you like (And what woman DOESN’T love that?) doesn’t mean that you should trot on down to city hall the next morning after he PROVED that he DOES know what he is doing in the bedroom to please you. Like I said earlier, he might have some other hidden issues but to safeguard yourself from this happening look at it this way: Have you ever noticed that when you go to the supermarket and shop in a state of extreme hunger, you are almost guaranteed every time to come home with groceries that you really didn’t want or need. It’s just that your perspective was warped and bent out of shape because the hunger in your belly and the dizziness in your head influenced your judgment to make an imbalanced shopping decision to overspend.
Now you are sitting at home looking at all of the senseless purchases after unpacking those bags asking yourself “what in the HELL was I thinking about!”
It’s like this in life, many of us are not fit for marriage to ANYONE because we are still fighting those demons in our head and are only seeking to “hook up” with someone to ease us of our already preexisting pains and discomforts not knowing that we will be highly disappointed when those same pains continue to grow and spread not only within yourself but into your unsuspecting mate who didn’t even bargain for all of the baggage that your so selfishly dropped on him/her!
Now they are sitting at home thinking of all of the senseless foolishness that they’ve had to endure after unpacking all of your drama bags asking themselves “what in the HELL was I thinking about!”
Just an example, but I hope you get the point…….
The bottom line is that we are ALL have our own vast inner universes and personal puzzles that need to be figured out before we are ready for anyone else to join onto us! There is nothing wrong with taking one’s time because in the end you will realize that it is SO EASY TO GET IN AND SO HARD TO GET OUT!
Need I say more?
If you don’t understand that what I have given to you here so freely is the undisputed truth then go on ahead and live life for a little bit, do it your OWN way and I guarantee that you will soon agree with all I’ve expressed and hopefully you will have escaped the drama unscathed…….
Please repeat after me: “God’s way is the ONLY way!”
Never forget that.