Do you often have the thought, “I hate myself”? If you are filled with feelings of self-hatred, you know how frustrating they can be. Not only does self-hatred limit what you can achieve in life, but it also worsens mental health conditions such as anxiety and depression.
In order to get over feelings of self-hatred, it’s important to recognize the signs and symptoms, understand the underlying causes and triggers, realize the powerful effects it has on your life, and finally, make a plan to get over those feelings of self-hatred and develop healthy coping skills to feel better.
Signs of Self-Hatred
Below are some of the tell-tale signs that you might be living with self-hatred, beyond having occasional negative self-talk.
All-or-nothing thinking: You see yourself and your life as either good or bad, without any shades of gray in between. If you make a mistake, you feel as though everything is ruined or that you’re a failure. Focus on the negative: Even if you have a good day, you tend to focus on the bad things that happened or what went wrong instead.
Emotional reasoning: You take your feelings as facts. If you notice that you are feeling bad or like a failure, then you assume that your feelings must reflect the truth of the situation and that you are, in fact, bad.
Low self-esteem: You generally have low self-esteem and don’t feel as though you measure up when comparing yourself to others in daily life.
Seeking approval: You are constantly seeking outside approval from others to validate your self-worth. Your opinion of yourself changes depending on how others evaluate you or what they think of you.
Can’t accept compliments: If someone says something good about you, you discount what was said or think that they are just being nice. You have trouble accepting compliments and tend to brush them off instead of graciously accepting them.
Trying to fit in: You find that you always feel like an outsider and are always trying to fit in with others. You feel as though people dislike you and can’t understand why they would want to spend time with you or actually like you.
Taking criticism personally: You have a hard time when someone offers criticism, and tend to take it as a personal attack or think about it long after the fact.
Often feeling jealous: You find yourself jealous of others and may cut them down in order to make yourself feel better about your situation in life.
Fearful of positive connections: You may push away friends or potential partners out of fear when someone gets too close, and believe that it will end badly or you will end up alone.
Throwing pity parties for yourself: You have a tendency to throw pity parties for yourself and feel as though you have been dealt a bad lot in life, or that everything is stacked against you.
Afraid to dream big: You are afraid to have dreams and aspirations and feel as though you need to continue to live your life in a protected way. You may be afraid of failure, afraid of success, or look down on yourself regardless of what you achieve.
Hard on yourself: If you make a mistake, you have a very hard time forgiving yourself. You may also have regrets about things you have done in the past or failed to do. You may have trouble letting go and moving past mistakes.
Cynical viewpoint: You see the world in a very cynical way and hate the world that you live in. You feel as though people with a positive outlook are naive about the way that the world really works. You don’t see things getting any better and have a very bleak outlook on life.
Causes of Self-Hatred
If those signs sounded all too familiar, you’re probably wondering why you hate yourself and how you ended up here. You might not immediately know the answers to these questions, so it’s important to take some time to reflect. Below are some possible causes to consider.
It’s important to remember that not everyone who experiences self-hatred will have had the same life experiences. There is no singular path that leads to thinking, “I hate myself.” Consider your unique circumstances and what might have brought you to this point.
Negative Inner Critic
If you are thinking “I hate myself,” chances are that you have a negative inner critic who constantly puts you down.1 This critical voice might compare you to others or tell you that you are not good enough.
You might feel as though you are different from other people and that you don’t measure up. These thoughts may leave you feeling like an outcast or a fraud when you are with other people.
The inner critic is like a frenemy who is intent on undermining your success. This voice in your head is filled with self-hate, and can also evolve into paranoia and suspiciousness if you listen long enough. The inner critic doesn’t want you to experience success, so it will even cut you down when you do accomplish something good.
The following are some things your inner critic might say:
“Who do you think you are to do that?”
“You are never going to succeed no matter how hard you try.”
“You’re going to mess this up just like you mess up everything else.”
“Why would a person like that like you? There must be an ulterior motive.”
“You can’t trust anyone. They are just going to let you down.”
“You might as well eat that dessert. You’re just going to end up eating too much anyway.”
If you have a voice in your head like this, you might come to believe that these types of critical thoughts are the truth. If the voice tells you that you are worthless, stupid, or unattractive, you might eventually come to believe those things. And with those thoughts, comes the belief that you aren’t worthy of love, success, confidence, or the chance to make mistakes.
The more you listen to that critical inner voice, the more power you give to it. In addition, you might eventually start to project your own insecurities onto other people, leaving you paranoid, suspicious, and unable to accept love and kindness. If this sounds like you, then chances are that you have been listening to your negative inner critic for far too long.
