Let’s be real for a second. This is one of those conversations that folks don’t usually have in the open. It’s raw, it’s personal, and it’s something that has shaped me in ways I’m still unpacking. But I have no shame in sharing my truth.
I want my brothers and sisters—especially those who have walked this same road—to hear this, feel this, and maybe even heal from this. This isn’t just my story. It’s bigger than me.
Too Much, Too Soon
When people hear me talk about my upbringing, they usually assume I’m referring to how my Father exposed me to the realities of urban living in New York City from an early age. But that’s not what I’m talking about today.
Today, I’m talking about how I was introduced to sexuality—scratch that—thrown into it headfirst at just five years old by a grown-ass cousin in her thirties.
Yeah. Let that sink in.
At the time, I didn’t know what was happening. I was a kid. But as I grew older, I realized that those experiences had imprinted on me in ways I didn’t fully understand. My desires developed differently. My curiosity was heightened too early. By the time I hit my teenage years, I was already deep into a world most kids don’t even know exists.
The Young Man That Older Women Loved
That early exposure didn’t just shape my desires—it made me the perfect target. Older women could sense that I wasn’t a regular teen who needed coaxing or manipulation. I was already wired to engage.
And let me be clear—these weren’t just random women. These were respected women. Women from my community. Women from the CHURCH.
I became their secret. Their “stress reliever.” Their “harmless indulgence.” And because I enjoyed the attention and experiences, I played my role well. No money was exchanged, but I knew my position.
I became what some would call an “escort” in everything but title. No one ever said it, but I was providing a service—one that left me emotionally empty, but at the time, I didn’t recognize it.
The Thrill, The Realization, The Disappointment
At 14, 15, 16 years old, I thought I was winning. I had access to women that grown men envied. I was stepping into homes where no young man should be and walking out with secrets that could shatter reputations.
But here’s the thing: it wasn’t about ME. These women weren’t choosing me—they were using me.
They were done with real relationships. They had been burned by men who cheated, lied, or abandoned them. They weren’t looking for commitment. They just needed a body that could do what they wanted, when they wanted, without strings.
And that’s where I came in.
They knew I wouldn’t talk. They knew I’d be eager. They knew I’d keep coming back.
For them, it was a transaction. But for me, it was something deeper that I didn’t understand yet.
The Emotional Void I Didn’t See Coming
Here’s the truth I couldn’t see at the time: I wasn’t chasing sex. I was chasing emotional fulfillment.
I didn’t need more sex—I needed balance. I needed the connection that comes with real intimacy, not just physical encounters. But when you’re introduced to sex without that emotional bond, you don’t know how to separate the two.
I thought that if I pleased these women enough, they would love me.
But love was never on the table.
The Spiritual Damage & The Detox That Took Decades
I have to talk about the spiritual side of this, because it’s real. When sex is introduced to you through trauma, abuse, or manipulation, you don’t just inherit the act—you inherit the spirits that come with it.
Those demonic whispers don’t leave easily.
I didn’t know that at five years old. I didn’t know that at 15, either.
It wasn’t until much later in life that I had to detox from the spiritual baggage I had been carrying for decades.
Because every time you lay down with someone, you pick up what’s on them.
And when you don’t recognize it, you spend your whole life trying to fill a void that can’t be filled with sex alone.
For My Brothers & Sisters Who’ve Been There…
I know I’m not the only one with this story.
Maybe you were introduced to sex too early. Maybe you thought you were in control, but now you realize you were being used. Maybe you’ve spent your life looking for something deeper but never quite found it.
I get it.
And I want you to know that there’s a way out.
It starts with recognizing the pattern. Understanding that what happened to you shaped you, but it doesn’t have to define you forever.
It means knowing that sex without emotional connection is like junk food—it fills you up temporarily but leaves you empty in the long run.
And it means healing. Rewiring. Learning what real love, intimacy, and balance look like.
Final Thoughts
I could write a book on this (and maybe I will), but for now, I just want my brothers and sisters to sit with this.
Think about your own journey.
Ask yourself: Are you seeking fulfillment in the right places?
And if not, are you ready to start breaking the cycle?
Because trust me—life is a whole lot sweeter when you do.
