Relationships…….
It is so easy to get in and so hard to get out! I’ve heard the statement spoken earlier in my life on so many countless occasions by the older wiser people in my midst and didn’t have a clue as to the wisdom that was falling down oh so abundantly on my ears at that young age.
And I guess I was not mature enough to have absorbed what they were imparting to me on a preventative level because if truth be told, I, like many of you reading this blog will readily admit that we all have made some choices in our younger days that can definitely boggle the imagination!
Major misjudgments? We all have them! It’s just that some of them I wish we could erase from all memory and existence as you will agree that there are just SOME things that we would rather keep to ourselves! Lol!
Usually this type of regret comes in the form of a relationship gone bad that can’t so easily be discarded as we might wish because of the ties that have been formed through other mutual overlapping responsibilities in the situation.
Most of the time this binding responsibility comes in the form of children. Children are innocent and have absolutely NO influence on what has transpired negatively in the union that you’ve had between the both of you but I also MUST add that there are situations where a child can grow up and blindly pick up a sword to continue the battle for that manipulative parent without knowing all of the factors involved. But THAT my friend will be another blog topic that I am quite sure will be a very compelling one indeed!
But we in our pompous foolish mentality feel that we can jump right over the rules of decency and acknowledging that there is a strict protocol when allowing someone into our space romantically.
There was a reason that there was a thing called “courting” back in the days and it was a VERY serious level to be on with someone indeed! And while people always have been human and tried to break the rules as long as we have walked this earth. Certain things just weren’t happening back in those days as brazen as they are done now in the present time.
When two people courted each other, the next step was an official engagement and then an eventual marriage. Brothers, you just couldn’t expect to break those divine laws like you do now to just meet a woman somewhere, take her out on a cheap date and end up in her bedroom to enjoy the treasure that a woman gives a man who EARNED IT!
No!
It didn’t happen back in those days as much as it does now in the open and our society was a lot better off because of it! These days, a man or a woman can run just about anyone up in their bedroom to offer up their physical charms and you BETTER not even THINK that you can say anything about it because the unspoken generally accepted statement that most will say under their breath is that “He/She is grown and they can do whatever they want to do with WHOMEVER they want to do it with! It’s really none of my business!”
None of our business?
Back in MY day it was every bodies business! That’s why we had some of the best examples of community and neighborhoods because everyone took it upon themselves to be concerned and MAKE it their business to uphold the standards that were oh so powerful in that long lost time!
These days so many young girls are pregnant several times over long before the get their high school diploma if they EVER get one at all! They never EVER bring home that young man (Who is now NOWHERE in sight! Well WHAT did SHE expect? True love?) to meet her parents or was accountable as to how she was spending her time! They will become pregnant and many times not tell the parent until months have passed and it is obvious. Now she expects after going out rebelliously to GET pregnant that her poor mother and/or father must bear the financial responsibility of a foolish decision and unwise choice so major that was NOT in their plans.
Back in my day to even take a young lady to the movies you had to meet damn near the entire family and get the approval of the parents/parent/elders before the date could ever happen and you BETTER be back BEFORE the time that THEY said to return. As a young man you had to tell them who your parents are, what your address was and what THEY did for a living and usually had to supply a phone number for them to call YOUR parents! All of this transpired in that young ladies living room with you standing there bare, naked and exposed as though you were in a lineup at police headquarters! You had to WORK HARD to get that eventual good night kiss at the front door!
Now?
Oral sex IS the new good night kiss!
……and to ad insult to injury you now have these young thugs who will ring YOUR phone in the wee hours who can not even barely speak any type of understandable English DEMANDING that YOU put YOUR daughter on the phone NOW!
What happened to accountability?
What happened to dating in this day and age in a proper decent manner?
What kind of order are we following here these days?
And this is supposed to be a progressive society?
These days it is NOT uncommon for you to witness a couple arguing on the street with the man eventually physically abusing the woman publicly right there for all to see! He does this without the fear of having to face ANY consequences for his subhuman actions. And the sad part about this is that if you even TRY to step in to intervene to save the woman from any more physical abuse, SHE just might turn on you and tell YOU to mind your damn business while she wears her freshly applied brand new black eye! You know I am telling the truth!
We possess no sense of community and connectedness anymore…….
While no place was perfect in this world, do you think that this could happen back in the day?
Nooooooooo!
I remember early one morning when I drove a dollar van (A taxi-like van that drove along the bus routes in South side Queens New York that supplemented a poor and ineffective public transportation system) many years ago, while at the stop sign I and my seven passengers witnessed a man snatch a bag from a woman who was waiting for a bus or a van at the bus stop right in front of us!
Without ever issuing a command as I put my vehicle in park, the entire van full of well dressed/groomed men who were on their way to work swiftly emptied out into the street to do righteous damage to that foolish man who picked the wrong place and the wrong time to commit such a decadent act!
It was a beautiful thing.
The handbag was returned to the disheveled woman and the assailant was detained until the authorities arrived on scene. Now I know I kind gotten off point but in a sense I didn’t, this tale illustrates how we all felt responsible and a sense of accountability to one another at that time and if we had that same feeling toward each other in the present time, our communities would still be intact and our personal standards would be to the highest level from being raised in such a fine example of community!
So in essence everything that happens in our midst IS of concern to us!
So when we saw a man who was courting a woman that we knew and he was somewhere where he WASN’T supposed to be, he was either approached on the spot about it or the news got back faster than any modern day text message EVER could!
We were connected. And we respected the institution of not only marriage, but a committed relationship. It used to be where a man would NOT even THINK of approaching his close friends EX girlfriend! Now you have to be on guard when ANY man is around your woman no matter WHAT the status of your relationship with hers is. It’s just low down and dirty like that these days.
But everyone seems to want to break the rules in their lustful disobedience and get a “little extra.”
But with that little extra comes so much drama, so much pain and a ripple effect of negativity on so many innocent lives for decades to come.
All because you wanted to do it the way YOU wanted to do it!
“What God has joined, let NO man put asunder!” You’ve read that scripture before and if you haven’t read it you HAD to hear it out of the mouth of an elder. Well an interesting thought came to me in my deepest meditations, we all speak of how terribly high the divorce rate is these days and how marriage doesn’t even seem to be the preferred ideal lifestyle anymore in the present day of government ordain freakishness, but have you ever thought to yourself that maybe most of these failed marriages weren’t even ENDORSED by the Creator because it didn’t involve THE ONE that HE created for you? Maybe it is WE who chose on our own this person to whom we are having some many problems with and NOT God! Maybe God wanted us to go through a few more character building tribulations before we would even be READY for THAT ONE who He has for us?
Ever think of it that way?
And I do know of MANY marriages that are working beautifully because it appears to me in those situations that I know personally well that those who are joined in those marriages are the ideal God ordained God created mate FOR us! And you know what? Even THEY have steep challenges to sometimes surmount so know that NOTHING is perfect! And while we in ourselves are not perfect on our sinful flawed state, when God makes someone for you, you are both perfect for each other and should never stop seeking HIS face, never stop seeking HIS guidance and never attempt to do anything outside of His divine instruction…….because then all hell will break loose!
But even in that God ordained marriage there is a sense that you both will always be together no matter what and nothing will ever come between that no matter what the disagreement at the time. Nowadays so many folks are ready to pack up their bags and leave their mate the very first time there is a minor argument! We give up so soon and I suspect that many times we do not see the value IN one another. We have become as disposable as the Sunday paper on a tuesday morning. We have become as disposable as a used pair of diapers that is stinking up the house. We have become as disposable as that moldy bread on the kitchen counter that hasn’t been eaten……no value what so ever.
If we had only have waited. If we had only took the time to prepare ourselves, love ourselves, learn what we like in the opposite sex and what we will not tolerate we would have been in a position to KNOW when THAT ONE was presented to us. But we were too busy hunting down an eligible mate to rope in for a relationship that was just doomed from the beginning because it was created on OUR LIMITED judgment! Hell! If we are still learning ourselves at this late stage of the game how in the heck are we going to make a good choice in a mate when we can’t be honest about the drama that lurks within us?
We do it to ourselves each and every time and some of us will NEVER learn!
Well how do we increase our chances for a successful marriage and avoid the fakes, frauds and shysters that come along with a good word in their mouth and a righteous appearing demeanor that make it so hard to tell who is who?
Well, in a perfect world I will explain how I feel it should be done in a righteous decent manner…….
In the beginning as young ladies and gentlemen, we should be taught about our feelings before they happen on adolescence by our elders. But many times our elders are too uptight or sexually repressed within their own lives to be able to explain openly in a decent manner not only about “the birds and the bees” but about how to control these all consuming natural urges so that one doesn’t find themselves in a situation past the point of no return! And I KNOW that you all know what I am talking about!
Our youngsters need to have a very busy schedule academically in the first place so that there isn’t the idle time to get into trouble! Now I know that many of you work more than one job and can’t always be on top of things the way you want to at home but an effort must be made in this area because the consequences of leaving your post “unmanned” is a lot worse than the inconvenience and financial strain of an unwanted pregnancy or a life threatening sexually transmitted disease.
Allow your youngsters to enjoy and sample the energies of the opposite
sex in a chaperoned healthy manner! Yes, it’s okay for them to have a
crush on someone or outright like them! What is NOT okay is to allow
them to have lots of unmonitored time alone to EXPLORE their new found
urges away from the guidance and watchful eye of a responsible adult!
That’s where the problems come into play!
Watch your young ones like a HAWK!
It was easy if you really tried to get “slick” and “sneaky” back in my
time growing up to plot and plan something if a parent/guardian wasn’t
on point but the challenges of keeping our young under control is even
harder today because not only might their new found physical passions
become stirred by what they see on the Internet via online porn that
is just TOO accessible, but now they have the means through text
messaging, e-mail and cell phones to communicate right under an adults
nose without ever being detected!
Many of us as parents make the mistake of demonizing the natural urges
that our younger one inevitably will experience and we make it out to
be something bad and forbidden. We unknowingly heighten their sense of
curiosity toward this “strange new feeling” and in many cases make
them more determined to explore this thing that we try so hard to
scare them away from. The years of wondering what this thing is for
our young is a lot earlier than back in my day because of the advent
of the Internet. Where I was forced to wait to “see” anything of that
nature in magazine, our young can see the FULL AND COMPLETE ACT as
much as they dig! We “ain’t” stoppin’ nothin’ with our elementary
attempts of guardianship!
The best thing to do is to counteract the flood of improper material
that they will inevitably encounter with a healthy balanced sense
toward sexuality and relationships as they mature. And while there
isn’t any age to speak to them on this matter written in stone,
realize that every individual matures at different rates so what is a
good time for one youngster to discuss certain elements of their
development with may not be a good time for another. Use your
judgment, if you have any type of connection with your young adults
you will know the proper time.
I’ve gone through all of these points to illustrate how important it
is to safely allow our youth a gradual feeling out of the energy from the opposite sex in a healthy manner instead of the haphazard experimentation that will only yield disastrous results.
This bring me to the point that as young adults going into the legal age and ABOVE that we should STILL practice a sane manner of enjoying the company of those who interest us as a potential life mate.
Now as adults who may still be single, too many of us put a huge amount of pressure on a mere date that should be enjoyed for what it is as we learn what that type of energy is all about that the person possesses. It’s almost like window shopping. No pressure. Do you stress over every item that you visually scan in the store window JUST BECAUSE you have the ability to purchase it?
NO!
You take the time to see if it is something that you really like, you might just go inside the store to get closer to it to see if this particular piece of furniture will fit in with the other things that you have in your home if that is what it is. It might be a new fragrance or cologne that you’ve heard of, well you would go to the department store in order to get a sample to see if it is as good as the reviews claim.
Get what I am trying to impart to you?
Well when you date someone properly as an adult, there should be absolutely NO expectations of how it is going to turn out other than a cordial, respectful, engaging meeting of two individuals who might be open to eventually taking things to the next level if both approve of the characteristics and personal revelations of that person. It should NOT be merely a brief introduction of a few personal statistics before jumping off into the bed later on that night…….which I am sad to say is the norm these days.
I’m going to say it!
Oftentimes we know the flavor and scent of a persons CROTCH before we even know their last name if we EVER get a chance to KNOW their last name!
Don’t get me started!
This is NOT what dating is all about! We have taken it and twisted it around into something unrighteous and before one goes out on a date with someone the parameters of the activities indulged in MUST be confirmed! If not you will be wondering why this man has that look in his eye as he drives you home, which in my book is a no-no because it gives a man TOO MUCH power over you and is actually improper to me on a first date because you are now in HIS private space when you step into that car, meet him at the restaurant and have your OWN way home until you have established a trust unless you have your own car.
Now when you are dating someone, although there is no pressure for anything else other than enjoying this persons company while learning them to see if their “energy” is something that is appealing to you, you get the opportunity to learn firsthand if there is a trait or characteristic that you especially fancy or find repulsive. Now as you walk this mysterious path called life you will know for SURE what you do not like in a mate. So in essence, while those particular “dates” with this person didn’t amount to a marriage per se’, you at least had the chance for personal growth and benefited to know more of your likes and dislikes without having to compromise you standards in doing so!
That is the proper way to date.
Therefore, since a date could be anything from an extravagant night out on the town at a black tie affair to a mutual tee shirt and holy jeans type of supermarket shopping trip in the middle of a chore filled day (Saves on gas who two people take one car too!), it could be ANYTHING that you want it to be! It doesn’t always HAVE to be this rigid preplanned night out at the movies or nightclubbing all of the time…….
Also, you don’t get to witness a person in different scenarios in order to see what they are made of in the character department. So make sure if you are “seeing” someone as a potential mate possibly to graduate to the next level of relationship consideration, spend time with them around their family to see how they interact with each other. Are they affectionate to each other or are they cold and non communicative? These observances are EXTREMELY important because it shows you what is normal to them in their behavior, which, if truth be told will be what YOU are getting as far as your potential mates normal rhythms.
Ever heard of a test drive when you consider purchasing a vehicle?
These days it is an accepted practice that many of us are more concerned with “test driving” a person in the bedroom as though this is the most important aspect of a relationship!!!!
How foolish! Because a person might be the BOMB between the sheets and BOMB when it is time to remain gainfully employed! This person might give the BOMB head (Yes, I said it!) but they might now have a damn ounce of sense IN THAT SAME HEAD when it comes time to balance a checkbook and pay the bills responsibly! So is THIS what you want? And irresponsible, non motivated lazy confused individual who can rock your world on an intimate level QUICKLY loses it’s WOW factor in the long haul when you realize that they have absolutely NOTHING to offer!
So test drive them in those oh so crucial ways so you SEE what you are getting because unlike purchasing a vehicle, PEOPLE DO NOT COME WITH WARRANTIES! No guarantees! It’s an AS IS commitment so it is up to you to discover WHAT IS because they are NOT going to tell you the flaws that they possess or if they have any major defects at all! Remember that always!
When someone approaches you to ask for a date and you both have nothing in common then what’s the point? I mean, it JUST can’t be some carnal lustful attraction that will bring you both together and KEEP you together! You must possess the strength to be able to decipher what is a passing urge and what truly has the potential to be a connection that is edifying in your life. This is how so many people get someone who is not really on their level.
What do I mean by that?
Well, you could have a young lady who is going to school, bright, enthusiastic with a TON of potential to the point where she is literally guaranteed to be a success in this life if she follows the trajectory that she is currently on. She is in this particular “lane” because of her well advised and well thought out choices, and while everyone wishes her the best and takes pride in her climb up the ladder of success in her chosen craft, there are those who see a free ride and will approach her as though they are truly interested in spending time with her.
She is flattered (Because she thinks he is just soooo cute!) and accepts a date with a young man who has absolutely NO plans or dreams of his own and never told her about his inability to secure any type of gainful employment because of his extensive juvenile record and the various charges that he is in criminal court fighting now at the present time.
The problem here is that while she was advised on how to make the most effective career moves she was never schooled on the art of manipulation and how the wrong choice of a man can turn ones life upside down and inside out in the twinkling of an eye if one doesn’t know how to spot the danger signs in a potential mate early on!
She doesn’t understand that she is playing with fire because her unaddressed unquenchable sexual desires coupled with a vast amount of low self esteem in the glamor department make her an easy catch and guaranteed prey for his wicked motives. He plays with her mind in so many ways and before you know it she has lost the momentum to continue in school because she is more concerned with running behind this thug and making sure that he doesn’t cheat with anyone else on her because “his loving is so good!”
Now if she was schooled by an elder from her younger days in how to deal with this type of situation and more importantly her own inevitable romantic feelings and brewing sexuality she would have been able to master this young mans diabolically attempts at manipulating her life force for his wayward purposes!
But in her formative years more attention was paid to imparting unto her the importance of school and a career but left out the valuable lessons on how to detect when someone is utilizing the covert art of manipulation in your life. Her elders never took the time to boost her self esteem or teach her how to master her sexual desires to combat the eventual vultures who are looking for a free ride in life.
So in essence it’s as though they parked an expensive car in a crime ridden neighborhood overnight thinking that it would be safe after installing a high tech alarm system but left the windows rolled down and the keys in the ignition that could disabled the alarm! Now how foolish it would be to think that the car will be there in the morning and not chopped up in a million lucrative pieces at the local chop shop!
Now this young lady has disgraced herself and is living in a cold roach infested apartment working two low paying jobs that barely cover the bare necessities while she scraps what little extra she can get up to send this “oh so cute” not so young man some commissary money to keep his prison account full while he does his latest ten year bid in a state prison because of his long history of selling drugs. His three young babies ask her constantly where their father is and she merely tells them that he is in Iraq fighting to defend this country.
How sad.
But she found out the hard way because she never took the time to find out what this guy was all about.
See what happens when one ignores the red flags?
She SHOULD have investigated him and his background to see what his pedigree was and most importantly she should have taken the time to DATE him if she just HAD to break the rules and spend time with someone who on first appearance had nothing going for him. Maybe he could have been about something if she went through the protocol of dating and then some sense would have come to her when the inevitable facts rose to the surface!
This is why dating is important………
So as you can see, there is MUCH more to dating than meets the eye if executed properly. It is a chance to learn the many different types of personalities and energies for you to discover what is appealing to you or not. Also, when there is no commitment because of it being just simple time spent together, I don’t see a problem with someone dating more than one person if one is NOT committed to someone or NOT in a relationship. And again I must stress that dating does not mean having some type of “friends with benefits” arrangement or any physical/sexual playing around with someone……just good clean decent fun and an exchange of what one is all about.
It will save you many headaches and offer a measure of protection from ever wasting your time!
Now isn’t that a good thing?
