White women have been the cause of the most painful, traumatic experiences in my life. I called them my friends. I called them my co-workers. I’ve even called them my family members.
What’s worse is they have never and will never admit that they were the aggressors.
They sincerely might not even realize they were the aggressors. They might have not even intended to do as much harm as they did to me. For the most part, white women are taught not to be openly aggressive. In multiple ways, society teaches all women to suppress their anger — that anger is something that is “unladylike.” So we often hide it from everyone, even from ourselves.
But when they come across a Black woman, white women often find ways to project all of their anger onto us. Black women are the ones who are always “angry” and “negative.” Not them. Never, ever them.
White women are socialized to keep the status quo. They maintain the patriarchy by “knowing their place” while at the same time relying on white supremacy to keep some sort of power. Their internalized misogyny and (often subconscious) racism teaches them to use the backs of Black women as stairs they need to use to climb closer to the top of the white-male-made hierarchy.
However, white men, especially white, cis, straight men, will always be at the top.
White women’s internalized misogyny and white supremacy cannot exist without each other. White women must confront and dismantle both within themselves instead of projecting them onto Black women.
Please. We’re tired.
White women, if you truly want to be friends with Black women, or if you truly want to be our allies, you have a lot of inner work to do.
White women’s aggression
When most people see the word “aggression,” many people imagine fist fights, name-calling, shouting, and possibly the throwing of dishes.
They never see relational aggression as multiple punches in the face from multiple people. They don’t see gossip as name-calling and shouting. They don’t see passive-aggression as the same as throwing a plate on the ground.
In order to keep their place within society’s hierarchy, white women can’t be openly aggressive like white men can without being thought of as “hysterical.” So they practice their aggression covertly, sometimes without even realizing what they are doing because their (valid) anger is so buried they don’t even realize it’s there.
Most of the abuse I’ve experienced from white women came in a covert form. I’ve had nasty rumors spread about me, which ruined me emotionally, socially, and even financially (it’s hard to keep a job where a white co-worker turns your supervisors against you, all of whom are also white women and more likely to be sympathetic to your co-worker).
I’ve experienced triangulation, which is where a person within a conflict invites a third party into it instead of dealing with the situation themselves. The person forming the “triangle” controls all of the communication, often telling the third party what a horrible person their (in this context, often imagined) adversary is. It’s a tactic used to alienate and isolate someone.
Lots of people who don’t even know me think that I’m just the worst person ever thanks to white women I had mistaken as friends. In conflicts between white women and Black women, triangulation especially works out well for the white woman if they can get a white man or a second Black person involved, so long as they maintain control of all of the communication.
White women are the reason why I have very little tolerance for passive-aggression. Passive-aggression isn’t just being indirect or making sarcastic remarks. It can be avoiding somebody, playing the silent treatment, stonewalling, lying (either blatantly or by omission), and other unseen tactics used to maintain total control over a relationship which should involve two people, not just one.
You might argue that women in general behave this way towards each other, which is sad. But within the context of relationships between white women and Black women, the effects of their toxic behavior is devastating, even life threatening. I’ve had a white woman make a false report about me to the police. I’ve had white men threaten violence on me because of the words of a white woman. I’ve had white women attempt to get me fired from jobs, which would have prevented me from supporting myself.
They did all of that because they felt they were losing control over our friendship or whatever connection we had. White women are taught that they are above Black women and therefore they should have power over us.
It’s true that it can be dangerous for white women to be open and honest because they’re constantly under scrutiny within a patriarchal society. So they adopted covert and manipulative tactics just so that they can survive, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. You never give the devil the truth.
The problem is, white women view Black women as devils, too. We’re supposed to be objects to be pitied. Mammies for when they need an emotional dumpster. Background props for their life story. At best, we’re sidekicks with no life story of our own.
However, because Black women are human beings and not stereotypes or background props, we will never completely fit that role. This is especially true within friendships, where we are supposed to be able to let our guards down and be ourselves.
Once white women realize Black women are not what they were taught we were supposed to be, we become competition. We become threats to be eliminated as quietly as possible.
I became a more frequent target of white women’s aggression when I began to be more vocal about my thoughts and experiences regarding white supremacy. I made the couple of white women friends in particular feel very uncomfortable and threatened. We stopped being friends because they pulled almost all of the above tactics on me and then demonized me once I realized what they were doing. It was easy for them to demonize me because they were aware that I also suffer from mental illnesses, so they used that against me, too. It took almost very little effort on their end to paint me as the “angry Black woman” out to get them.
Obviously, our breakup was for the better.
White women’s intentions
I realize white women might not intend to do harm with their behavior. In fact, they might mean to do the exact opposite. If you get feelings of discomfort or contempt around someone, do you really want to confront them about it? Do you really want to risk having a discussion?
I often hear complaints from white women that they want to say something to a Black friend, but they’re afraid of being seen as racist, which is very telling.
But that discomfort and contempt are still there, and they remain unchallenged. So they often subconsciously use some of the covertly aggressive behaviors I described above to express it.
White women, being friends with us, or being our allies, is supposed to be a challenge for you. You were conditioned to not see us as humans. A lot of us fully expect you to feel discomfort towards us. But it’s how too many of you choose to handle it that makes us very unwilling to trust you.
However, if that fails, and if all of the covert tactics they use fail to keep us in our place, then many white women then play the victim.
I hate to confront a white woman about anything because if she sees me as aggressive, all she has to do is center her feelings into the situation and express hurt and indignation, a.k.a. white women’s tears. Mind, they don’t actually need to cry — they just need to claim that a “mean” Black lady is “bullying” them.
They might genuinely feel they are being bullied because how very dare a Black woman tell them that they are doing something wrong. How dare they challenge a white woman’s self-image of being pure and innocent, even though the blueprint of that self-image was drawn by the patriarchy.
I believe most white women honestly don’t mean harm. But truthfully, they do harm. And a lot of it. I sometimes wish I would have been slapped rather than go through the crap the majority of white women in my life put me through.
How can white women be better friends and allies to Black women?
For the love of God, confront and dismantle your internalized misogyny. You’re not pure. You’re not always innocent. You have anger. And you are not “less than” for it. But this feminized patriarchal image you have of yourself makes you subconsciously cling onto your white privilege and white supremacy with a death grip. Do whatever you need to do to confront it so that you can stop projecting the parts of you that you reject onto Black women. I’m tired of being assumed as an “angry Black woman,” having to deal with anger that isn’t even my own.
Examine toxic manipulation tactics you might have picked up. I want to make it clear that white women are not the only ones who can be manipulative. Every single human has been manipulative sometime in their life because honesty is often frowned upon in this world. Manipulation isn’t always a bad thing. But when it comes to covert aggression — aggression that’s so covert that we don’t even notice it, white women often take the crown. They take the crown because those tactics almost always work for them, especially against Black people. Being aware of such tactics, admitting that you’re guilty of them, and then examining why you do them can be difficult, but it can be liberating for yourself AND for Black women and anybody else who might enter your life.
See us for who we are. When you see yourself, you can see others. Women in general are taught to not really see themselves — whoever they are depends on what other people, particularly men, think of them. White women have a particular image to keep up as I’ve expressed all throughout this piece. But if you put in the work to deprogram yourself, AND if you confront your own racial biases and beliefs, maybe then you won’t see us as your props and get upset when we show you we’re not. All humans are different, and we might not be friends because of that. But you can at least become a better ally if you would actually see Black women as human beings.
Black women deal with similar issues that you do, only our issues take different forms. It would be great if we could become friends, or if we could at least unite to deconstruct this silly hierarchal structure in which we find ourselves.
But first, you need to stop assisting in upholding it.
And get off our backs.
